As a family lawyer, I’ve had the opportunity to see firsthand the issues that can unravel a marriage. Often, these issues start out small but grow over time, creating lasting damage to the relationship. From my experience and that of fellow attorneys, recognizing these early signs can make all the difference in saving a marriage—or at least in understanding when it’s time to move on. Here are some key behaviours that, if ignored, can lead to serious marital trouble.
1. Lack of Trust or Privacy
One common issue that often signals deeper problems in a marriage is a lack of trust, particularly when partners start checking each other’s phones or social media without permission. Trust is foundational in any relationship. When one partner feels the need to snoop, it usually points to underlying insecurity or suspicion. Rather than playing detective, it’s essential to address these trust issues head-on and openly.
2. Using Divorce as a Threat
It’s not uncommon for spouses to throw around the word “divorce” during heated arguments as a way to force change. But in reality, this often causes more harm than good. Threatening to end the marriage, even in jest, plants seeds of doubt and fear, making one or both partners start to emotionally prepare for a possible separation. A strong marriage needs reassurance and commitment, not empty threats.
3. Shifting the Blame
In any relationship, conflict is inevitable. However, the way couples handle disagreements can make or break the relationship. Healthy couples take responsibility for their actions, while troubled relationships often involve constant finger-pointing. Blaming your partner for everything that goes wrong builds resentment and prevents any real resolution from happening. A more productive approach is for both parties to own their part in the conflict and work together to find a solution.
4. Secrecy Around Finances
Money issues are one of the leading causes of marital stress and divorce. When one spouse withholds financial information or is secretive about spending, it’s a red flag. A successful partnership is built on transparency, especially when it comes to finances. Hiding financial habits or accounts can create distrust and leave one partner feeling insecure about their future.
5. Treating Conflicts Like Competitions
Disagreements shouldn’t turn into battles where the goal is to win at all costs. In healthy relationships, partners work together to find solutions that work for both. When conflicts become one-sided and focused on one person getting their way, the relationship is no longer a partnership, but rather a competition. Over time, this dynamic can lead to emotional exhaustion and a sense of imbalance in the relationship.
6. Dismissing Your Partner’s Emotions
One of the most damaging behaviors I’ve seen in relationships is emotional invalidation. This happens when one partner dismisses or belittles the other’s feelings, often framing them as “overreacting” or “too sensitive.” This tactic shifts focus away from the real issue and sends the message that only one person’s emotions matter. Healthy relationships value and validate both partners’ feelings, even when they’re in conflict.
7. Everything Feels Transactional
In some relationships, one partner may begin to feel like their contributions—whether emotional, financial, or physical—are expected or even demanded. This transactional dynamic reduces the relationship to a series of exchanges, which can leave one or both partners feeling devalued. A fulfilling relationship is based on mutual care and support, not on keeping score.
8. Lifestyle Incompatibility
Early in a relationship, differences in lifestyle may not seem like a big deal. However, over time, these differences can create tension. Whether it’s how you handle money, how you approach long-term goals, or even how you spend free time, being on the same page is essential for lasting compatibility. Couples with vastly different priorities often find themselves growing apart as they try to reconcile their divergent paths.
9. Arguing Over Text or Email
It’s easy to misinterpret tone and intent in written communication, especially when emotions are running high. In fact, digital arguments often escalate more quickly than face-to-face conversations. Couples should aim to resolve serious conflicts in person, where non-verbal cues like body language and facial expressions can help convey understanding and compassion.
10. Saying Hurtful Things You Can’t Take Back
During arguments, it can be tempting to say things in the heat of the moment that you don’t really mean. But once those words are spoken, it’s hard to erase their impact. Insults, name-calling, and harsh criticisms stick with people and can cause lasting damage to a marriage. A successful marriage requires respectful communication, even when emotions are running high.
11. Stifling Each Other’s Independence
While marriage is a partnership, it’s also important for both individuals to maintain their own interests and friendships. A healthy relationship supports each partner’s independence, allowing them to grow as individuals while also growing together. When one partner feels restricted or controlled, resentment can quickly follow. Encouraging each other’s hobbies and friendships is vital for maintaining balance and preventing feelings of suffocation.
Final Thoughts
The red flags mentioned here may seem small at first, but they can compound over time, leading to deeper dissatisfaction and emotional disconnect. The key to preventing these issues from eroding your marriage is recognizing them early and addressing them head-on. Communication, trust, and mutual respect are the building blocks of any lasting relationship. By being mindful of these warning signs and committing to growth together, couples can navigate challenges and build a stronger, more fulfilling partnership.
