Inspired by reporting from Shania O’Brien for Daily Mail Australia, featuring the work of Dr. John Gottman, Vanessa Van Edwards, and Dr. David M. Schneer
When most people think about divorce, they picture intense arguments or dramatic exits. But according to decades of psychological research, the real red flag is far more subtle—and shockingly accurate.
Dr. John Gottman, a renowned marriage and family therapist and founder of the Gottman Institute, has spent years studying couples in what is considered one of the largest and most respected long-term relationship studies ever conducted. From this research, he identified four toxic behaviours that consistently appear in relationships headed for divorce: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—what he famously coined as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Of these, contempt stands out as the most destructive.
According to Vanessa Van Edwards, a body language expert and guest on The Unplanned Podcast, Dr. Gottman can predict divorce with a staggering 93.6% accuracy—just by watching a short, silent clip of a couple interacting. The cue he looks for? A one-sided mouth raise—a nonverbal sign of contempt.
“Contempt is more than just anger,” Van Edwards explained. “It’s a lingering sense of scorn or superiority. Unlike fear or anger, which come and go, contempt festers. It eats away at the connection until two people can no longer even look at each other.”
She recommends addressing signs of contempt early by asking simple but powerful questions: “What’s going on? Are you okay? What are you feeling?” This kind of emotional check-in can bring issues to the surface before they quietly erode the relationship.
Van Edwards also suggested that most couples tend to recycle the same three core arguments, and that recognizing these patterns can help reduce unnecessary conflict. “When you’re mid-disagreement, being able to say ‘This is argument #2 again’ can help you reset and reduce the emotional charge.”
These ideas are echoed by Dr. David M. Schneer, founder of The Merrill Institute, who has studied contempt in romantic relationships extensively. In a 2019 article, he described contempt as “what gasoline and matches are to a fire.” He listed common nonverbal indicators such as eye-rolling, mouth crimping, or even the act of picking lint off one’s clothes while someone else is speaking—each a quiet but clear message of disdain.
To disarm contempt, Dr. Schneer recommends strategies like shifting the conversation to something more positive, using humour, or even temporarily stepping away when tensions run too high.
Ontario Perspective: What This Means for Separating Couples
As a family lawyer practicing in Ontario, I’ve seen firsthand how contempt plays out in legal disputes. By the time some couples reach our office, the communication breakdown is often complete. The emotional damage—left unchecked—can result in more adversarial, drawn-out, and expensive legal processes.
This is a reminder that emotional signals matter. The legal dissolution of a marriage doesn’t begin with paperwork; it often starts with unspoken resentment and disconnection. For couples considering separation or divorce, being mindful of these behavioural warning signs may provide an opportunity to seek support early—whether through counseling, mediation, or collaborative family law.
