Halloween is supposed to be fun for children: costumes, candy, and neighbourhood excitement. But if you’re separated or divorced, even one evening like can become complicated.
Question you might be asking yourself: Who buys the costume? Who gets to take the children trick-or-treating? What neighbourhoods are we hitting? Will the kids sleep over, after? What if both of us what to join in the fun?
Readers of our blog will already know that Canadian Family legislation (like the Ontario Children’s Law Reform Act and the federal Divorce Act) law has abandoned the uses terms like “custody” and “access”, in favour of “parenting time” and “decision-making responsibility”.
But what you might now know is that neither of those statutory terms expressly covers Halloween – or other holidays, for that matter. Instead, parents are expected to work it out for themselves, ideally in a parenting plan or separation agreement – or if absolutely necessary, with the help of the Ontario courts.
Here are some of the things to think about, as we turn the corner towards October 31 – also known as the spookiest time of year:
Why Halloween Can Be Tricky
Even though it’s only one night, planning for Halloween can be surprisingly difficult when you are separated or divorced. Here’s why:
- Unlike longer holidays (like Thanksgiving, Christmas, March Break), Halloween is just one single October evening. If you’ve got younger kids, it’s not even a full “evening” – it can last only a few hours, especially if it happens to fall on a school night. That can make it harder to share the fun between you and your Ex, and harder to agree on, if sharing the night is not an option.
- Your kids will also be excited. They will want to be with their closest friends, and – if candy-collecting is a focus – they will want to cover as much of the prime neighbourhoods as possible. They will not want to spend any part of the night in the car being shuttled between their parents’ homes, especially if you don’t live near each other.
- If you have more than one child, each of them will tend to belong to different friend groups. They each may want to trick-or-treat in different regions of your community. Juggling any driving duties will also be a concern.
- Also, one of you may have remained in the former family home since separation, while the other parent has moved to a new area. From your kids’ perspective, they will likely want to stick to the streets and neighouring homes they are familiar with. (This is especially true if one parent’s new home is in an apartment complex or condominium, where trick-or-treating may seem less than ideal to a kid).
- On the flip-side, you or your Ex may each feel strongly about being part of the festivities, especially when your children are young, and these experiences are fleeting.
- Even if your regular parenting schedule doesn’t fall on October 31, both of you may still want time with your children on that special night.
All of this can lead to conflict, unless there’s a clear plan that’s been agreed well in advance.
Common Approaches
Naturally your approach to Halloween will be influenced by the history between you and your Ex, including how well you can try to get along now that you’ve split. But we know from our many years as Family lawyers that the parents who navigate holidays most successfully tend to do it in one of several ways:
- Alternate the years: One of you might take your children trick-or-treating in odd-numbered years, and the other will do so in even-numbered years.
- Share the evening: One of you has the children a community costume parade or early trick-or-treating; the other supervises the children during the later part of the night.
- Attend together: If you and your Ex can cooperate, you may be able to join your children on the same route through one of your neighbourhoods. (This can be a real win for the kids).
- Follow your regular parenting time schedule: You may want to keep things simple, and just stick to whichever of you normally has parenting time that day, according to the parenting time schedule set out in your existing agreement or court order.
The right approach depends on your children’s ages, the distance between your respective houses, and the level of cooperation between you and your Ex.
(Pro Tip: If you and your Ex are just in the process of separating, and this is the first year you have to deal with Halloween, it’s a good time to think about the future, too. For example, if you’re sitting down to draft a separation agreement, now is the time to add clear provisions for pending events like Halloween and key holidays like Christmas and Hannukah. It may seem like a tiny thing – especially against the background of the major upheaval that separation and divorce represents. But clear expectations now, can reduce disputes in the future).
Top 5 Tips to Avoid Conflict
Here are our best tips for how to navigate Fright Night for your kids:
- Plan ahead. Talk with your Ex about Halloween early in October (or even sooner). Definitely do not wait until the morning-of.
- Ask your children for their preferences. Although this will not necessarily decide the issue, get a read on your children’s own preferences, about which other kids they want to trick-or-treat with, and which neighbourhood(s) they want to visit. Naturally you will want to give your older children more sway over how the arrangements are settled.
- Think of your children, first. Ask each other what arrangement will be easiest and most enjoyable for your children, rather than what feels “fair” to you or to your Ex. Try not to let existing separation/divorce frictions sully your children’s single night of fun.
- Consider the details. Which of you buys the costume? Who pays for or contributes goodies for school events or class parties? Can both of you contribute?
- Stay flexible. Regardless of what you decide with your Ex, life may decide otherwise. If one of your children is too tired, unwell, or doesn’t want to be driven back and forth, be willing to adjust.
What If You Can’t Agree?
Let’s assume that you and your Ex have no existing separation agreement or divorce order that covers Halloween. And let’s assume that you cannot agree on how the night is going to go.
Practically speaking, courts are unlikely to get involved in a one-night dispute (unless it’s dealt with proactively, as part of a larger issue between you and your Ex). Still, in the broader context of your divorce, Canadian Family courts will consider whether either of you has shown a persistent unwillingness to cooperate with other, since this tends to reflect poorly on your ability to put your children’s wellbeing above your own desires.
For this reason, it’s important to keep in mind: The law always puts the bests interests of each individual child first. All court-ordered decision-making responsibility, parenting time allocations, and the resolution of other uncertainties are governed by this one principle.
This should always be your approach (and that of your Ex) as well. It should guide your willingness to come to a resolution.
It’s worth remembering that Halloween is for the children, not the parents. They will remember the costumes, the candy, and the fun with friends—not which parent had an extra hour. If parents can set aside their differences, the night can be magical rather than stressful and scary.
